A new report provides the most comprehensive evidence available to confirm that the Large Hadron Collider (LHC)'s switch-on, due on Wednesday next week, poses no threat to mankind. . . The LHC Safety Assessment Group have reviewed and updated a study first completed in 2003, which dispels fears of universe-gobbling black holes and of other possibly dangerous new forms of matter, and confirms that the switch-on will be completely safe.

I really feel like it is correct and necessary to have some kind of party to mark Large Hadron Collider day, or at least have like a half-life marathon or something in honor of the dimensional gateway-opening resonance cascade that this thing is definitely not going to set off.

Also I want to put the Large Hadron Collider and the Large Helical Device together in mayonnaise jar and shake it up to see if they fight.